How To Comfort A Hurting Friend
It was an alarming experience to be in the middle of something, right in the depth of my flow state making music, when I received a call from my friend. I picked it up and on the other line was a young lady in her mid-20s bawling and wailing with hurt after receiving bad news from the hospital that kept her elderly father in intensive care due to COVID. His oxygen level had dropped significantly because no one was around to ensure that the tubes that kept him stable were on him.
To be honest, I have never experienced this before. I honestly do not know what it's like yet to have a loved one within my immediate family suffer and fight for their lives. But I imagine I would react the same way. It was painful to hear the hurt and grief through the phone, and it was all the more frustrating that physical comfort was not something I can at least provide because of the circumstances.
Unrealistic Comfort
My relationship to my friend, aside from being one of my best friends, is that I am also her spiritual mentor. Almost a year earlier, I shared the gospel to her and walked alongside her to truly and fully understand how the gospel is actually "good" news. She gave her life to Christ a few months after that.
So in this particular situation, with despair taking over her soul in that very moment, I knew that I had to be careful with the words I would say, if God actually wants me to say anything at all. I knew that there was no point speaking superficial assurances of "It's gonna be okay, he's going to make it", when I know that that is not something I am capable of promising. And besides, I knew that she wasn't the type of person to buy it.
So this begs the question, what do you say to someone who is drowning in utter despair, when even your vision of the immediate future is clouded with uncertainty?
Have A Clear Role
It's easy for someone like me to want to wear my superhero cape and fix the issue at hand, or at least think that my goal at that moment was to make her feel better. But then again, who am I to do that when the devastating reality of her father's imminent death is right before us? I realized at the time that that couldn't have been my role. At least not in those crucial moments.
I prayed silently as I continued to just listen to her. Whether it was words that flowed out of her aching heart and overwhelming emotions, or just deep groaning that she cannot help but release, I could only assure that I was there, and her cries were being heard. I did not need to speak. I was simply present, even if it was only over the phone. Much like how David would pray to God to hear his cries, it seems as though we were wired to want to be heard when we are in despair. And many times, that’s all that is called for.
I realize how sly the enemy is to trick our flesh and ego to make even the most desperate situations and plights of others, be about us. If I wasn't careful and attentive, I could've been the most selfish and useless "friend" who would use the suffering of others as an opportunity to make myself feel good by emerging as the "hero". And as someone who has had a history of this savior complex, I didn't want to be entangled in that anymore. God clearly had a much bigger and encompassing work in that very moment that also involved my own heart as much as my friend’s.
Many times, humbling ourselves, keeping our mouth shut, and just listening are all that is required. My friend was not in the right state of mind (though she strove to be). And during a crisis like that, it was perfectly normal for her to react that way. And with that, I was not in the position to confront her or correct her should she say anything that might not be becoming of an ideal Christian. She was allowed to be human, and I had to hush the side of me that sought correct answers, and instead, I had to be lovingly be present with my friend and listen to her cries. All the while, everything else that I could not control, such as what was stirring within her soul, I lifted up to God in prayer. I lift it up to Him who sees and works in the hidden place.
God's Work in the Hidden Place
Our call was interrupted by another call from her aunt. In those minutes I got to run to God, and ask for a miracle from Him, because I know that He has everything under control, and has every capacity to do the impossible. I prayed that He would give us eyes to see His goodness and worthiness to be trusted in, even in disappointing times like this.
And true enough, He did. She called me back after talking to her aunt, and suddenly the wailing and crying girl that I was talking to about 20 minutes ago has suddenly become a totally different person — calm, sane, even laughing at that other "alter ego" who was so dramatic a few moments ago. Apparently she received a call from her aunt out of nowhere (so it seems), and she told her (my friend) that it was not a hopeless case, and that this has happened before to someone they knew who was able to recover. This gave my friend a huge sigh of relief, and motivation to move forward.
And so as I continued to just keep her company, she was in a much better state to process the situation in a way that honors God. And first of all, I was tremendously proud of her for placing such a high value on honoring God even in a situation like this, which just shows how much work the Spirit has done in her even as a relatively young Christian. And secondly, this was also the signal that my role would shift from active listener, to a sounding board and her discipler to point her back to God and His word.
Courage to Step In Than to Speak Out
The thing about comforting a person is that it's actually impossible to do so when you don't know what they need comfort for. I've learned over time that I have a tendency to just preach about all the wisdom I know about a certain topic, and even branch out to related topics, but even after 20 minutes of doing so, the person I claim to be comforting wouldn't feel any better. Perhaps, they could even feel worse because they want to care about what I'm saying, but it's not going down into their hearts.
So this was a chance for me to take it slow, shut up my egotistic self who wanted to start preaching about how God has a plan in all of this, and humble myself by asking my friend some questions to bring me inside of her world, her hurt, her heart. Sometimes it takes more courage to ask permission to step into the vulnerable and messy world of a neighbor than it is to speak truth.
It turns out that she knew very well that God was in control, and that He has a bigger and higher purpose for everything that they were going through. She also did believe that He can do anything and provide them everything they need. But as I continued to listen to her, I noticed that what was really weighing her down was guilt and the fear of losing her father — the fear of the possibility of death.
How do you think would you respond to someone who is in this position?
I'm thankful that even as she was sharing these to me, she was also in a heart state that was open to correction. Now I think this is vastly important. If you happen to be in the position where you can see what is wrong in a friend's perspective, do not be quick to assume that they are ready to hear it. It might be helpful to keep asking, or even to ask them how you could help them at that moment.
Hope in the Risen Christ
Perhaps it's no coincidence that all of this happened during Holy Week. God probably has a huge metaphor in mind that we have only had a tiny glimpse of. But even still, what comforted my friend to a supernatural degree at the time was the reminder that our God is a God who has conquered death. He is risen. And He has the power to resurrect, in the same way that He has promised to resurrect His children in order to live and reign with Him forever. This is our inheritance, and specifically, that was the lot of her father who has put his faith in Christ as his personal Savior.
The truth of a risen Christ is something that we often might take as head knowledge, and ironically, can be dead in our hearts. But I realize how in crucial moments like this, suddenly the truth of God's word comes to life. In the same way people thought that the death of Jesus was defeat, and basically would have disqualified everything He has ever taught and claimed about Himself, so it seems that difficult circumstances are the end of the line for us. It is as if there is no hope beyond the grave that is right before us, laughing in our faces.
Narrow is the Gate
But you see? Narrow is the gate, so He says. The gate to eternal life, to eternal joy and spiritual spaciousness, is ridiculously small and uninviting. Often times, it looks like death — figuratively and literally speaking. But if you knew what was waiting for you on the other side, you wouldn't care if you had to endure "light and momentary afflictions" that would achieve for you "an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" (2 Corinthians 4:17). Like the apostle Paul, you would keep enduring. And not only will you endure passively, as if for the sake of it, but you will endure with hope. You would endure with expectation and excitement. This is not the end.
And this is what my friend needed to hear. It's not a promise I make to her that everything will be alright that will give her comfort. Rather, it is the sure and final word and promise of the Creator of the universe who has the beginning and the end and in between, and who desires to "work all things for the good of those who love Him" (Romans 8:28) that will give her a comfort so real and powerful, that I cannot even afford to take a single credit for anything. God gets the glory — not merely in the outcome of the circumstances, but even in the waiting for His redemption.
